Valentines...

February. Can't look at these pictures without feeling a tinge of sadness. There was the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Every picture brings back a memory. The one's in the first of the month, bring back all my nervous yet excited anticipation of a new baby. And then knowing how all that turned out makes me feel very sad. Still need to share the pictures though...part of our story.

Made some cherry chip cupcakes while the boys' were at school one day. Once they got home, they went to town frosting them. They turned out so beautiful. Uh, not really. Look at the amount of frosting on some of those bad boys. That would be Lincoln.

And of course working on class Valentines. My boys are so funny. It was like pulling teeth getting Linc to finish his. He was excited about the first one, sort of. And after that he just kept complaining. Didn't want to write his name anymore just wanted to go play ninja turtles with Drake. It was a long 1/2 hour for both of us. Then Carson got home and was dying to work on his. Took a full hour, pulled out the stickers, glitter, markers....that kind of thing is right up his alley.

Both of them took their Valentines the next morning.

Next day, February 13th. Oh this day makes me so sad. Started out normal. We had our big cousin party planned for later on. Woke up and did the normal morning chores, got a quick workout in, finished up the games I was taking to our party. Got dressed. New jeans and new sweater I was wearing. Straightened my hair. I had been in such a happy lil mood all morning. Sun was shining. Just felt happy.

I was supposed to work the next day, which was Valentines. So I dressed my boys up this day and played around with my camera. A couple cute heart pictures of all of them.

I could cry looking at these faces. Just love them so much. My little lovebugs!

Got to Ashley's and got our little party going. These babies just kicked around, babbling to each other.

"Kiss the Frog". Carson said this was too girly, didn't stop him from playing though.

Made a Valentines version of "Don't Eat Pete". Needed for Carson's class party the next day but thought we could play it here too.

Lil' frog crafts.

And Bingo!

And after that, the day turned into a blur. My miscarriage started on this day. How quickly that day turned around.

In all honesty, Valentines has turned into a yucky memory. There was a lot of confusion at first if that was what was happening. Like I say I bled through my whole first trimester with Lincoln and a little with Drake. At first we kept thinking that was what was happening. My mom, bless her, came over early the next morning. We got me in to the doctor who did indeed still see the gestational sac and my hcg levels were still going up. So we were unsure. She said to just wait out the weekend, see if the bleeding got worse. So my mom spent the whole day with me. Puzzles with my boys, folding my laundry, fixing us lunch, letting me lay on her lap and cry. Such a dark, sad day but I still think back on my mom being there and feel so happy that she was. Moms just have a way about them. Especially my mom. Just sitting there next to her feels me with extra strength. The world always makes a little more sense when they are near.

My sweet boys. They played hard with my mom all day, had to cancel helping in Carson's little party which bummed me out. After school, Carson went over to Ashley's and played. Tried really hard to keep the day fun and positive. Hate for them to see me sad and emotional. And really they were the brightest part of all of this for me. Just so grateful for their sweet little spirits. They kept me focused on all that is good and happy in my life. Just so grateful to be their mom. That night we got the three of them together, Thiago went and picked up Wendy's for us and we gave them their Valentines.

Then Vovo and Vovo came over with even more Valentines...grateful, so grateful for all the good people in my life. And that my boys were able to feel the love that day.

It was a long, emotional weekend for me....it dragged out as long as possible until I finally lost it completely about a week later. But like I said, we are doing okay. Counting every blessing I have and know that these little spirits are mine to raise on the other side. I like to think of the three of them up there, together, watching us. I like to think they saw my hurt and my pain. And that they know it was because I loved them so very much. I like to think that they are right there watching and cheering me on. I like to think that they are giving me extra strength, watching over us and loving us back. Someday I will hold them in my arms. I will kiss their sweet cheeks. I will tell them I love them and am so grateful for their small, fleeting existence in my earthly life.

Why it was a very different Valentines, not full of sunshine and roses and candy and hearts. It was very much full of love. Full of the deepest kind of love. The kind that leaves you the most vulnerable. The kind that in the end has the tendency to leave you heartbroken, but the kind you can't imagine not having in your life. To not know that kind of love. Gosh, I'm grateful for it. Grateful for this little family of mine, living and not living. Grateful to be a part of it and to know its mine forever and ever. To eternity and beyone.