Heartache and loss...

Well friends, I meant to share this picture in another 3 weeks. End of my first trimester. Baby number 4 was on its way. But it wasn't meant to be. Not yet anyways. We lost a baby the day before Valentines. Just typing it out, I can feel that hot pressure in my eyes...tears threatening still. That marks three losses for me. Three miscarriages in my 8 years of having children. 6 pregnancies, yet only three living.

All along I have said, I get a weird feeling when I thought about number 4. Its like my heart knew I would suffer some heartache first. Carson was easy, he was fast, tried for like 3 months and bam, we were pregnant. Smooth pregnancy. Then we tried for a second, finally a year later it happened. Only to end in a 8 weeks along miscarriage. Shocked me. You hear of it happening. Just can't believe its happening to you. It was a long and ugly miscarriage, that finally ended in a D&C. Took another 6 months to get pregnant, and once again, miscarriage. Early on. Only 5 weeks. Rocked me. Bad. I look back on that time of my life with alot of regret. I let it eat me alive. Took so long to get pregnant, then 2 back to back miscarriages. I was convinced I would never have another baby. It brought so much unhappiness and stress into our lives, into our home, into our marriage. Thiago stood strong by my side through it all, but I defintely let the heartache overcome me. Went through so much depression. Wish I had learned that life lesson a little easier. With more grace. Our lives are not on our own timetable, not our own blueprint. The Lord is behind us all, and has a much bigger plan. We don't always understand it, but I wish I had learned to just trust in it. Truly such a dark time in my life. Tried for a whole other year and half before I finally got pregnant with Lincoln. Bled off an on through the whole first trimester, had a blood clot next to him that eventually reabsorbed but sure caused me some stress in the meantime. Was convinced I was losing him. But I didn't, he eventually came along just fine. And a year later, here comes Drake. A complete surprise.

Looking back now, at the three boys I have. I wouldn't trade their timing for the world. They each came right when they were supposed to. The Lord knew what he was doing. I just lacked faith.

I have always known I wanted one more. I fully understand we don't always get what we want. But if possible, I did. I knew I wanted to wait a bit. Linc and Drake came so close together, and I really wanted this last one to be set apart. So I could enjoy it all one more time. To drag it out a little. Not ready to give up this baby stage. Call me crazy but I have the hardest time with my kids getting older, it truly is hard for me. So we said when Drake turned three. Mid December I went off birth control, then all that crazy ear stuff happened so we kinda got off track and that first month it didn't happen. So the next month, we tried. I wanted one. Didn't know what to expect, Carson was relatively fast, Lincoln and the babies before him took forever and Drake was a surprise. So imagine my shock, when that first month of trying and I was pregnant. Couldn't believe it. Yet from the begining, I had this nagging feeling. Like I knew, I was just waiting to lose it. I tried to tell myself I was just being paranoid, just scared from the others. Yet still, I tried to take it slow. Don't overthink. Don't get attached. I know the pain that comes from that all to well. But lets be honest, the mama heart is a funny thing. The minute you see those 2 pink lines. You are in it. Heart and soul. You are attached. Although this time you are not naive, you aren't innocent. You know a positive pregnancy test does not always result in a baby. You pray, you hope, you plead with your heavenly father....but still there is that uncertainity. So I bouyed myself up for the long old haul that is the first trimester for me. Cringing everytime I went to the bathroom, praying I would see no blood. That baby. My baby. The first thing I thought of upon waking, and the last before I closed my eyes each night. In my mind we became a family of six. My boys became a big brother again. The first time for Drake. I took my vitamins, I instantly changed the way I ate. The amount of water I drank. More veggies, more fruit. My hand seemed to find itself at my belly, as if I could guard my precious babe, keep it safe. Your heart grows instantly, instantly. Makes room for another. As hard as I tried to keep myself unattached, you just can't. You want that baby with every breath you take.

I'll never forget those moments that I first realize I'm miscarrying. I'll never forget them. Its like a knife stabbing away at your precious dream, over and over. Your blood seems to turn cold, my knees shake uncontollably. And all you can do is sit there, clinging to your own belly as if you are trying to keep it in. The most anguished and painful cry I think I've ever let out. The crying doesn't stop. The physical pain of losing a child, is quadrupled by the emotional pain. I know they happen. Quite often. Alot of us out there have lost a baby this way. It's common, they tell you. It happens. But I tell ya what friends, doesn't stop the pain. The hurt. So deep. Down in your soul. A little piece of you dies with that child that you will never get to hold. And you know, you are forever changed. Your heart will never quite be the same. You'll go on. You'll pick yourself up. Life will carry on. But in your heart, you lost something precious and that my friends stays with you. Times eases it. Another baby eases it. But I'll never forget those experiences. Etched in my heart. Forever and ever.

Thankfully, I feel as if I am in a better place this time. And I know its because of my children. I have indeed lost three babies, but I'm also raising three. Three beautiful, stong, healthy little boys. Three little boys that have my heart. They deserve the very best of me. Some woman aren't even given one baby, and I've got three. And I can honestly tell you these losses, while they hurt so deeply, have truly been a blessing in my life. They have made me stronger, better. They have made me the kind of mother I am so proud of. I can truly say I do not take this gift of motherhood for granted, I know how lucky I am. Not to say I don't have my moments. I'm not perfect. Not even close. I yell, I get impatient, I say things I don't mean. But for the most part I cherish every moment I have with them. They are my dream, I'm living my dream. All I ever wanted was to be their mom. So blessed I've been given the chance. Pray I get to do it again, that I can welcome one more little one into our lives. But if not, I'll be okay. I lead a full, happy, and blessed life with what I have been given.

And I will forever be grateful for that.