Heartache...yet again.

Oh my friends. It happened again. As much as I would like to skip by this sad little post, it must be documented. This summer was one of the most perfect summers for me. Started out so beautifully. And honestly in the end, I still look back on it as one of my favorites. I just enjoyed the heck out of my little boys. As much as I hate them growing older, I gotta admit they are a blast to hang out with. We had a good time together, the end of July once again brought heartache to our little family.

Found out I was expecting right before we were supposed to leave for Island Park. The part that kills me is I instantly had a good feeling about it. I don't know why. I still can't answer that. But my heart felt peace. A little worry, cause come on....its me after all. But for the most part I felt good about it. Had a perfect first month. A beautiful 5 weeks where I carried this little secret. My husband and our immediate family. And my boys. I don't keep it from them. I had such a good strong feeling I told them immediatly. My sweet Lincoln. He is just waiting and begging for a baby.

It all went so smoothly. No spotting. No bleeding. All the usual symptoms. We even joked I was starting to show. I was counting down to that first ultrasound. I always lose them between weeks 5-6. So I was just praying, if I could make it to that first appointment. And I did. As the days ticked by, my heart felt a little more safe. A little more anticipation. Lincoln would ask me daily, how many days til we see our baby. He was always touching my belly, talking to it. Asking how many more months til March.

The day of my appointment came. All the sudden I was filled with dread. I don't know why. I kept saying what if I go and there is no heartbeat. My family all said "hush, that won't happen". I tried to tell myself they were right. I was just scared. But this yucky feeling wouldn't go away. I kept thinking I just need to get there, need to see the heartbeat, and then all this anxiety will lessen. At the last minute Thiago thought it might be fun to take just Lincoln. Just because he was so excited, make it special for him. I will forever, for all my days regret that decision.

We got to the appointment. I was 8 weeks. 2 days. The farthest I have ever miscarried is 7 weeks, 5 days. There was a wait. She was out delivering a baby and they said about 45 minutes. Longest 45 minutes. Linc was going crazy, saying how much longer til we can see the baby. I did my bloodwork. I peed in the cup. I did my blood pressure. And we waited. Finally, my Dr arrived. We chatted about things, any spotting, how was I feeling. Calculated how far along we thought I was. And then the ultrasound. I held my breath as she turned it on. Lincoln practically right in front of the screen he was so excited. Thiago's nervous smile. And then I looked at the screen. And I knew. I have seen enough ultrasounds to know what I am looking for. There was the gestational sac, the fetal pole, the yoke. No heartbeat. My doctor grew serious, moved it around trying to get a better understanding. Baby was measuring at 6 weeks 1 day. She thought maybe I miscalculated and it was too early for a heartbeat. I knew I hadn't miscalculated by 2 1/2 weeks. The baby was gone. Stopped developing 2 weeks ago and I had carried it all that time not knowing. Oh you guys, my heart fell. I tried so hard to not cry in front of Lincoln. He sat there not understanding. Looking from me to Thiago to the Dr. The expression on his face will forever haunt my memories. I'll never forget it. I didn't cry.  I made it the whole ride home.  We picked up our other boys.  Dr gave me instructions to come back over the next couple days, we would do blood draws and see if my HCG levels were dropping.  Do a repeat scan just to make certain. My heart was certain.  It knew.  We got home, my boys scattered off to their toys and such.  I walked into my bedroom.  And then those poor tears couldn't hold back any longer.  I know I said it before, but I'll say it again.  Unless you've walked that path, been in those shoes you'll never undstand the pain.  How deep it hurts.  I've experienced hard things, I've had my trials and troubles but nothing has hurt me as deeply as this has.  I don't think their is as hurt as deep, as raw, as all consuming as the pain you experience when it comes to a life you created.  Whether that child is living or not.  Whether its your first miscarriage or your fourth.  Whether you have other living children or not.  Knowing you created a life, and that you then lost that life.  Its the flesh of your flesh, your own blood that would have flowed through those veins, a piece of your soul.  Gone. Beyond your control.  Beyond your understanding. 

This time the hurt cut deeper.  In all honesty friends, its not just the loss of a baby anymore.  To me, its the loss of a dream.  Being pushed farther and farther from my reach.  Its such a hard thing to swallow.  To comprehend.  7 pregnancies.  My body has created life 7 times.  Yet I only have 3 living.  3.  My losses are now outweighing my births.  You can't tell me thats chance. Not anymore.  More to it than that.  I am starting to think I may never know why or what.  Why this keeps happening to me.  What is it my body is doing to harm them.  I don't know. Doctors don't know. 

They sent me to a specialist.  An infertility specialist.  We met him with him.  Here's the thing.  Yeah I've had 4.  But they are scattered.  I have had 3 kids.  I don't fit the phrase "recurrent miscarriage".  Like at all.  There are tests they can run.  They are expensive.  Insurance doesn't cover most fertility.  And chances are they will most likely come back negative.  Its a guessing game.  Alot of them are thrown off because I've had kids.  Nothing obvious pans out.  Not my thyroid.  I already take the low dose aspirin for blood clotting.  Some of the other tests there isn't even a solution for them,  just for the sake of knowing. 

If this was my first baby, or even my second....I would do whatever it took.  But I have a family.  I have three boys.  I lead a full and happy and blessed, so blessed life with what I have right in front of me.  I know myself, if I throw myself into testing and money and month after month of counting and waiting, it will consume me.  It will rule my life.  I don't know if I can do it.  If I want to do it.  I want to go back to living.  I don't want to think about this anymore. I don't want it to always be there in my mind.  Consuming.  I want to live my life to the fullest.  Give my all to my three boys and my husband.  I can't go through all of this, in the end to have no guarantees.  I haven't made up my mind for sure but my heart tells me I have to let go. 

I won't prevent a pregnancy. Not yet anyways.  My doctors keep saying, if I've done it before, I could still do it again.  I just can't go to extreme measures to make it happen.  I just can't.  Like I say, I have a family.  And its them I need to think about.  I know that I can't put myself and them through all that it would require.  So I'll keep trying.  On my own.  And we'll see.  But quite honestly I am starting to wrap my brain around the idea, that it might just be the three of them.  And ya know what, thats ok.  I'm ok with that. 

Its the hardest thing, to feel like your family isn't done, but to have it so completely out of your control.  Its one thing to decide as a couple that you are done, your family is complete.  But it is so much harder to have that decided for you.  It tears my poor little heart up, aching for the chance to do it just once more.  That ache may never go away.  The heart wants what it wants.  But I can live.  I can be happy.  I can be grateful.  And I am.  I sat in that infertility clinic, next to these young couples who it was appearant they didn't have any children.  They called my name, and I stood to get checked in.  I pulled out my debit card to pay for my co-pay, and on my card is a picture of my three boys.  The clerk looked at it in surprise.  And smiled.  I know what she was thinking.  She was surprised to see I had children. I had to fight back my tears at the thought of them.  My boys. My heart hurts for those babies I won't raise, not here in this life.  But oh my goodness, I have never in my life felt more grateful to have my three.  I've seen, first hand.  4 times now how hard it is to get them here.  Why couldn't the other 4 have made it.  I wonder.  But moreso I ask myself, why was I so blessed that three of them did. I look at them, I can touch them, I can kiss them, I can breathe in their smell, I can watch their little chests rise and fall with every breath they take.  And all I can think is how grateful I am to have been given them.  That my father in heaven, lent them to me, to raise here in this mortal life.  The joy they bring me is indescribable.  The fulfillment I feel as my role as their mother.  They feel every fiber of my being.  They are my heart and soul.  My whole life's happiness is wrapped up in them.  My heart beats really for just them.  I am so grateful I know that love.  I know what it is to be a mother.  That three little voices call out to me.  I can shelter them. I protect them.  I advocate for them.  I teach them.  They are mine.  I am theirs.  I have never in my life been so grateful for my eternal role as their mother. 

To those babies on the other side.  My arms ache to hold you.  My skin wants so badly to be against your skin.  To watch your eyelashes flutter.  To feel your tiny form pressed against my chest.  To see your little fingers encircle just one of mine.  To rub my cheek against the peach fuzz of your hair.  To hold you close in the wee hours of the night.  Marveling at the miracle that you are. To hear the little squeaks the escape your lips.  To see those deep eyes, blinking in wonderment. I wish I could see your tiny little self, snuggled deep in the strong arms of your daddy. To see the look of awe in your brothers eyes. Oh little one.  They love you so.  My heart hurts, in the deepest way that I can't be with you.  It yearns to.  You, my little loves, are not forgotten.  Every tear that has fallen from my eye has been in your behalf.  Know how deeply your mama loves you. How hard she prayed.  You are a part of my forever.  I may never get the chance to raise you on this side of the veil, but you wait my little ones.  We will be together again.  My heart belongs to your heart.  You are etched inside for all my days.  Never forgotten. Always tucked close.  So deeply loved.  Thankyou for the impact you have made on me.  You have made me stronger.  You have shaped me.  You have humbled me.  You have bettered me.  It is you I long to greet eternity for.  I know you are there.  You are waiting for me.  For your dad.  For your three brothers.  I will get back to you.  Heaven feels so beautiful knowing you are there.  Some ties can never be broken, never severed. The veil feels so thin to me when it comes to you.  A mothers love never dies.  It lives on and on.  And I hope you can feel it around you.  That it encircles you.  That you know I am there, even though the space between us is distant.  I like to think we are closer than we realize. I love you my sweet heavenly angels, I carry you with me for all my days.  Forever and always.