Loretta Mae (Hills) Williams

Bear with me, long post, lots of pictures. However this was a life changing couple of weeks for me. My first real taste of death. Of losing someone I hold so dear. Its been such a huge range of emotions for me. So very sad, yet all so beautiful at the same time. Family and love is such a perfect thing. And while this was one of the hardest weeks of my life, I know it is one I will never forget. I didn't want to forget any of the images or details so I took tons of pictures.

I know I mentioned my grandma had been not doing well for awhile. We knew her time was fading. She was having far too many bad days, and not nearly enough good days. Everytime I was with her, I wondered....how much longer, how many more memories. Its an eerie thought. Preparing to let go of something you have always known, something thats always been there. For me that family has always been my one constant. In a world where everything else changed. They never did. It was always the two of them. That house. That furniture. Our pictures on the mantle. The teacups. Her knitting pile next to the chair. The recipes, the red velvet cake, the chicken macaroni salad, the chocolate sheet cake, the fried chicken, her orange carrot jello salad. Grandpa's garden, and all their flower pots. The covered back porch and nana's old swing. The two of them are in my every memory. I think of them and my heart feels warm and happy and safe. A world without them quite honestly breaks my heart. Still can't wrap my brain around that she is gone.

So many events leading up to her death, that are forever stamped in my memory. She had taken a really bad turn and the night before Easter my dad called me at about 10:45 pm. Panicked. Her heart was going crazy and they had her at the Emergency room. He was too shooken up to drive up there, and was hoping Thiago could take him. Its about an hour drive from where we live. Thiago had ended up going to a late night movie and he wasn't answering his phone. I knew how desperatly my dad needed to be there, so my sister came over with her little ones and stayed with all our kids while I drove my dad to Tremonton. I will forever be grateful for that oppurtunity. For the first few hours, there was a big group of us cousins that just sat out in the waiting room. Pretty sure that hospital thought we were nuts. Its the tiny little Tremonton hospital. The night we were there, it was grandma and one other patient. Pretty deserted. But there was us. And I tell ya there is a lot of us. And we show up. Always. After a few hours when things got a little more under control, we all were allowed back. Some of the events of that night, are just to sacred and special to me. I will keep them just in my heart and not share. But I can say the feeling of love in that room that night was suffocating. I had never felt it so strong. I tell you, I will forever be grateful to be part of the Williams family. We are really something. And all of that started with her. It felt so strange, yet so perfect to surround the bed of this now tiny, frail little women who had been the driving force of our family. To watch her and see her as I never had before. Felt so fitting to gather around her in her last days and pour our love onto her, the way she always had to all of us. It was one of the most humbling and beautiful nights of my life.

The next week was a lot of ups and downs.  Better days. Then bad days. The news was back and forth until finally on Friday, they told us. Only expect another 2-10 days with her. It shook me. I was expecting months, maybe weeks. Not days. The very day we were told that, all of us family members made it to the hospital. At some point on that Friday the 25th of April, each of us made it to her bedside. I just love that.  Think it symbolizes what they taught us. The importance of family. Nothing is more important. Nothing more sacred. Thiago and I headed up there the minute I got off work. Got there about 6:00 and stayed til 11 or so. She was in good spirits. Awake and making an effort to talk and smile with all of us. Which quite honestly was a shock. The past week she had been kinda delirous and out of sorts everytime we saw her. It was so strange to see her act so alert and aware. We finally decided we needed to head home. It was raining and we needed to pick up the kids from my mother in laws. It was late and I needed to work the next day. Yet, we were so reluctant to leave her side. It seems all of us were that way.

Went to bed that night. Fitfull. My mind so full of memories and thoughts. Woke up to my phone lighting up the side of my bed. Panicked. What else does a phone call in the middle of the night mean. It was my cousin. 3:15 pm. She was sobbing. Saying that gradma had an hour, maybe less. Didn't know what to do. Wanted to go. But my kids. Its the middle of the night. Stood their debating. Minutes later. Minutes. She called again. She was gone. Happened so fast. Crazy to think back, cause earlier in the evening she kept saying things like "you all need to get home now, its too late, get back to your families". Its like she knew. She wanted us all there to say goodbye, to see us one last time and then she wanted us to go. Didn't want us to be there. To have to witness it. Yet, all any of us can think now, is how badly we wished we were there when she drew her last breath. And left her earthly home.

Didn't take long to decide we all wanted to be there. With our family. With our grandpa. Called my inlaws and they rushed over to stay with my sleeping boys. So strange to me. The circle of life. Here are these boys. My little family. Yet my heart loved so fully before they ever entered this world. I belonged to a family before them. And a part of that had just died. Love them so much. But loved her so much. I don't know how to explain it. Other than it leaves me feeling like a huge hole was just dug in my heart. Unsure when that feeling will go away. If it ever will.

Arrived to the hospital. The mortuary was waiting. But they said they wouldn't take her until we all got there. Drove the dark, wet freeway. My husband pushing 90 the entire time, to make it there. To join the rest of our family in this final goodbye. And that my friends is where I will end this. That experience. Being in that room with my loved ones, and our matriarch. I have never, probably will never experience anything like that in all my life. The veil felt so thin. Transpearant really. She was there. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt. She was there with us. The rest I will leave to my own heart and my own memory. Just too sacred to share. Changed me. Forever.

The following days, week really were some of the most poignant of my whole life. Can't even describe them. So many memories came flooding back. Not just of my grandma, but of my childhood years. My parents. My mom and dad. Memories of before their divorce, of our early years in Tremonton. Gathering together. We all played a part in planning the funeral. My sister and oldest cousin and I even had the privledge of writing her obituary. It was all so painful, yet beautiful at the same time....

Bear with all the pictures....but here goes. The night of the viewing is first.

We took just Carson with us. Maybe that was selfish of me. To not include my little two. But I wanted to savor this night. Her memory. Didn't want the distraction and sometimes annoyance of my two little ones. Still at the age where they are a lot of work and I just wanted this night to myself and her memory.

My dad and his girls. Dare say her death has changed him even more than me. He has become a different person. In the best of ways. The dad I always wanted him to be. And knew that he was. He has been going through some real struggles lately. I have never felt closer to him than I do in these last few weeks. Love him so much. Just so much.

I seriously took pics of every little area of the viewing. My sweet aunts did an amazing job. Every detail. Every song. Every flower. Every little thing was so well thought out and so perfectly spoke of my grandma. This is the front entrance table. Where her video played. Which I watched about 20 times.

The sign in table came next. They had the little girls stand at this table with little packets of stickers. In recent years, everytime we came over with her great grandkids she would hand out little stickers to them. So in memory of that, we greeted guests with stickers.

As you made your way through the line, we had little tables set up they signified different stages of her life. Starting with her younger years. Grandma was an only child. She was her parents greatest treasure. Her papa's "honey girl". She was so close to both of them. Papa died before I was born and her mom, my nana, died when I was about 5. I remember clear as day. It was right after Christmas. We had gone to visit her just days before and we have a picture of grandma and grandpa, nana, my 2 aunts and 2 uncles. And then my mom and dad, us three girls. And my 2 older cousins, Zac and Randy Jo. My grandma was so close to her mom, and my mom told me how bad she struggled after she died.

The next table, is my favorite. Her table representing her life as a mom. To her 4 sons. Only 3 living. First came Alan, then my dad, then Mark. They were all born within three years. One after another. 4 years later came their last boy, Randy. He was stillborn. Cord wrapped around his neck. My grandma never got over it. She hardly ever talked about it. And when she did, the tears would always fill her eyes. Even 52 years later. To her very last day, she always said it was her hardest trial. The one that rocked her to her core.

Her other three though. Oh the stories of those boys. What a handful. Kinda love the fact that she had three boys. And I have three boys. Feels like a little something the two of us shared. She would always tell me that watching me with my three, took her back in time to when she was raising hers. All I can think is when I am old and my boys are grown....I hope they love me the way hers love her. The way they took care of her. Their relationship was pure beauty....and I love it, hope I get the same.

Now this little arrangment. One of my favorites. Right by Grandmas front door she had a little entry table. Lined with our pictures. From all the years. So many pictures. Hanging above it was a tiny little individual picture of each of us 15 grandkids as a baby. They hung in order of birth. Zac, Randy Jo (named after baby Randy), me and Jen, Ash, Ike, Taylor, Kylie, Markell, Caleb, Lexi, Kassidy, Hallie, Caton and Camryn. They hung there our whole lives. My aunts gathered those little pictures and stuck them in this flower arrangment. And the base of the arrangement was Grandma's old baby buggy from almost 80 years ago. Her babies in her baby buggy. Gosh it just tore at my heart strings.

Another of my favorites. You guys would not believe all the flowers. The mortuary guy said he had been doing this for over 10 years and never in his life had he seen so many flowers sent. So many. Blew me away. This little arrangment my aunts had put together. Every year grandma would have a little yellow and blue bouquet put together to take to baby Randy's grave. They had one made for her. It read "Love you Mama". I tell ya that is the thought that brought me the most comfort throughout all of this. Knowing my grandma was being reunited with her son. The baby she never even got to hold.

This next table represented her years at Bear River High. She taught shorthand and keyboarding for over 35 years at Bear River. Also was a cheerleading advisor. And in the classroom next door, was my grandpa. They taught side by side. Small town. Little highschool. She touched the lives of hundreds of people. And it was so amazing to see the lines of her students that showed up to pay their respects to her. Blew me away. I know my grandma and the impact she had on my life. Truly amazing to see that impact spread farther than I knew. To see she had affected so many.

But this table. This was my favorite. The grandma I knew and loved. This was her grandma table. From the day I was born she has hosted Sunday dinner. For all of us. 3 sons. 3 daughter in laws and us 15 grandkids. Even as we have grown. 8 of us are since married. And we have added our spouses plus 17 great grandkids. Never did she miss a Sunday dinner. We are talking meat and potatoes, homemade rolls, sides of veggies and salads, fresh fruit and dessert. And my most favorite her glass jars she kept on top of the fridge. Filled with candy for us kids. Always jellybeans, skittles, and M&M's. They were always filled. Gone by the time we left. Filled by the next week. In her last months, my aunts had started to do her grocery shopping. The first thing always written on her list was candy for the candy jars. Only fitting to supply that at her viewing. Little candy station for all her little visitors.

My hubby snapped this pic of all of us granddaughters practicing our song for the funeral. Grandma's favorite song was "Remember When" by Alan Jackson. Sang it at her 50th wedding anniversary almost 9 years ago. And she always wanted us girls to sing it at her funeral. It was amazing. I don't sing. At all. But lots of my cousins do. And I gotta say we sounded beautiful. It was truly a beautiful song. Not a dry eye anywhere.

Right before the viewing started my cousin Ike gave my dad and his two brothers these special elk tooth rings my grandma had made for them. She did it as a surprise and Ike was the only one that knew about it.

Aren't they pretty?!

She looked so beautiful. Just perfect. My mom, and my aunts and a few cousins all got the chance to get her ready. They did her nails, and her hair and makeup. Placed her favorite necklace in her hands. Don't know if I mentioned grandma had tons of necklaces with jewels in them. Just small, simple necklaces. She always said they were to go to her granddaughters. Right before the funeral, my aunts went threw them all and chose one for each of us. Tried to match with our birthstones and personalities. We all wore them that night and the day of the funeral. And pretty much every day since. A little piece of her close to our hearts.

And then came the lines. Lines and lines of people. It was truly awe-inspiring. I had never seen anything like it. They had made their mark on that small town. So many lives she had touched. And boy did people show up to pay their respect to this amazing little lady. Gosh I love her. My grandpa sat right here all night. Never leaving her side. Kept catching him just gazing into her casket. Broke my heart. He is lost without her.

End of the night. We all gathered. Just our family after everyone had gone. We all sat and watched the video together. So many tears. And my sweet Grandpa.

Next morning, bright and early. Funeral. I was dreading it, yet so looking forward to it at the same time. If that makes any sense.

All of us granddaughters. Two of them are married to my cousins. There are 11 girls and only 4 boys. I love these girls. Each and every one of them.

While the viewing went on that morning, we just played around with family pictures and such.

Then came the moment I was completely dreading. The family prayer and getting ready to close the casket. I really can't even talk about that half hour of time. Except to say I will never forget it. The spirit that was in that room was undeniable. Strongest feeling of love I have ever felt. It was amazing to be there with our immediate little family. Her sons and daughter in laws and her grandkids and her husband. How tight we all stood to her casket. Watching each of us say our final goodbye. All of the boys, great grandkids included signed a baseball. She lived and breathed her baseball. With three boys, she knew her sports. The boys signed the ball and we tucked that in with her. All of us girls signed her beloved rice bag. She always had that tucked up next to her. Gave her so much comfort. And then we wrapped her in her favorite little Christmas blanket. The one she was always curled up in. And that was it. Poured out every ounce of love that we could, and we closed her casket. Hardest moment of my little life. Knowing that was it for this earthly life. That I would never see that face again, or kiss those soft cheeks. Oh I miss her. Even writing this I can't stop my fresh tears. Love you so much grandma.

The funeral was beautiful and perfect. The great grandkids sang "Popcorn Popping". Oh how she loved our kids. They were her pride and joy. All her favorite hymns. All three of her boys spoke. Each with so much pride and emotion and even humor. Then us girls sang our song. It was just beautiful. She would have been so proud. So pleased.

One of my favorites. Grandpa's old car. They rarely drove it. Like 40 thousand miles on this thing. Thats about it. Grandpa and his 4 grandsons drove it to the cememtary. No doubt about it, they loved their grandsons. Raising all boys, boys is what they knew. We always used to tease them and say their boys got special treatment. Which is completely untrue, but oh how they loved them. Love Grandpa's cute little face poking out in the middle. One thing for certain is we will take care of him. He is blessed to have a family that will make sure of that.

Her grandsons and her grandson in laws were the pall bearers. Made me so proud. Having no grandparents here in the US, my grandparents became my husbands. Especially the Williams. Thiago has the same, slightly inappropriate sense of humor as all of them. From day one he has fit in better with them then me half the time. He loved my grandma so much. He was so proud to carry her casket.

We did a balloon release. Red. Her favorite. Her little Tremonton baseball team was red. Her sons all played. Her grandsons. Even one great grandson. She never missed a game. Even got close to getting thrown out on a few. She was a feisty little lady. Especially when it came to her boys.

After the prayer was said, and visitors lingered. Kids played. Baloons were long gown. Floated on up to heaven. The last guest had left. It was just us. Our family. And watching grandpa.

Went back for a dinner put on by the church. Lingered as long as we all could. So reluctant to let go and move back on with life. Really struggled in those following weeks. Felt cruel and heartless to return to my everyday life. Like I had lived through that week, and now I was back in the trenches. Without her. Still working through all that. How do you go on without those you love. Don't know yet.

But one thing I know is I'll see her again. This life is never the end. Funny, heaven feels so much closer knowing she is there. I imagine her there. Happy. Smiling down on us. With Randy. And Nana and Papa. And even my three babies that I lost. I like to think they are with her. That she is loving them. Kissing their cheeks. That she is telling them stories of her life with me. With all of us. Everytime I see the sun break through the clouds. Or my hair blow in the breeze. Or the smell after it has rained. I feel her. She's with me. I hear her voice calling me "her Teri Ann". I see her smile and hear her laugh. Can almost feel her touch. Life can go on because of who she was. Who she taught us to be. Oh the legacy she left behind. She will never be forgotten and my mind imagines what it will feel like to be with her again. We had a little vinyl image made for all of our cars....the word "remember". And we will. Always.