A few days ago I snapped this picture. Thursday morning, just cleaned up breakfast, I was starting a few of my morning chores and the boys pulled out some of their toys. While I busied myself watering flowers, switching loads of laundry, going through an old stack of receipts, my boys did what they do best. Play. With each other. I hear an occasional outburst. A fight here and there. Its not always pretty and perfect. This is just an every day scene in our home, one I have come accustomed to for the past 7 years now. Its changed somewhat as we have brought a new brother home from the hospital to add to our growing brood. But for the most part it has been me, at home, with my boys. Me.
This normal, typical, everyday morning made me sit down and cry. Things are changing. I'm not sure I like it. My oldest boy starts first grade tomorrow. My heart is so emotional right now it is absolutely ridiculous. First grade, for me, is waaay harder than Kinder was. My baby is leaving the comfort of my 4 walls, of my arms, of my control and entering that big ol' world for a great big chunk of his day. 7 hours, 7. How am I supposed to do this. I have been there for every single second of his life, and now I am turning him over to other people for the majority of his day. What if he can't get his ziploc bag open with his peanut butter sandwich in it, what if he doesn't get all the jam off of his face, what if he is scared to ask to use the bathroom, what if he doesn't know who to sit by at lunch, what if he's bullied, what if he falls at recess. These thoughts have been invading my mind for the past 3 months, ever since Kindergarten let out. I have pushed them out and tried to not think of them, but they are demanding front and center right now. I know he'll be fine, heck I know I'll be fine...give us a week and the two of us will have this down. It just hurts my heart a little, thats all. He's my first, this is a first and its scary.
I'm an overanalyzer big time. I think about things, and I think about them and I overthink them until I have made myself crazy. Can't help it, just the way I am. I kept trying to pinpoint what is about this picture, this little moment that I captured that makes me so sad. I think I figured it out. I feel as if we are closing a chapter of our lives. I know I still have 2 boys at home with me for the most part, just one full timer. But never in my life will I get these days back. I will never have my 3 boys in my home with me, with each other, for the majority of their day again. Carson starting full time is just the start of it. It breaks my heart. Of course I am excited for this next phase of life. I know its the next natural step and we will all adjust. I am just sad that my days as a mother of young children just went up a little notch on the growing ladder. I used to be the mom of a Kindergartner, a toddler and a small baby. Now I am the mom of school-aged child, a preschooler, and a toddler. My boys are growing and changing every single day. And my heart just can't quite keep up with them. I want to hold on to these moments with every fiber of my being, yet I know that I can't. Crap, now I am crying. See, I am an emotional mess right now. I just love them so much, I love being their mom. I want the very best for them. I hope they always know that wherever they go and whatever they do I am always with them. In a different way then they are used to. But I am always there, they are always on my mind and I love them with every breathe I take. I pray so hard that my father in heaven will watch over them when I can't, that he'll be there when I can't be. I pray I am raising them to have the ability to do hard things, to be brave and strong and to remember who they are. That they will always know their worth. That they will always find a helping hand when they need one, and that they will lend that hand to others. I hope they know that their home and their parents will always be a beacon of light for them. A safe place to seek refuge and to refuel. Love them with all my heart and soul and pray we can all make this transition smoothly.
I'm a mess...at this point I had better just go to bed.
Tomorrow, brings a first grader.
4 comments:
Teri, You are such a great mommy. You LOVE your boys with all your heart, it's so sweet. I would feel the same way as you do. I love that picture, it's so cute. Thank goodness for weekends, where you can all snuggle up and be with each other!
I am so jealous you live so close to Miss Allie. It takes me a good 30 minutes to drive up to see her. But I know she is near the Carnahan Family, so she is safe. It makes me feel better knowing I have a friend so close to her. I'm sure you'll see me out there visiting her at some point and you'll have to come say hi.
ugh...ter, you know what? i have those same exact moments when i look at chance and say, "what do we do? how do i stop him from growing!" (it literally pains me to think of him as a big boy) its thee hardest reality to know that life is changing and those sweet faces just get bigger. its funner, but super duper hard! hang in there mama. your kids i'm SURE, can feel all that love for them! i adore how much you love them, and i hardly know you. but i KNOW you're a wonderful mom.
you are the cutest teri. good luck to your cute 1st grader!
I don't know you but follow your sisters blog and use to work with your mom..anywho.. I am a lurker on your blog and I'm finally coming out. :) I have to because what you just wrote are the exact same feelings I am struggling with right now. I'm sobbing because I can relate to every single thing you said. It's so hard! I guess I just want to thank you for being so real and for stated it so perfectly and also to tell you that you are not alone. Hang in there. :)
Jenny Randall Cooper
Yes, an my sweet girl grew up and got baptized this summer. I swear we just fear the changes and the unknown as mothers - I know I do. A few weeks ago I had a ticket to go see wicked, but I had so much anxiety about going. After it was over and I was glad I went, I analyzed why I was so "blah" before. I think it's when we haven't been through something before, we try to think through all the details. Moms have to think things through because heaven knows if we forget the sunblock, or don't know where to park and how long we have to walk to something, or where the freakin' bathrooms are - we learn the hard way. So I think change frightens us Moms sometimes, thinking it may not be so good... I dunno, just a thought as to why we stress over things we anticipate. Anxiety leads to depression for us moms! Ha!
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