A moment...

I had a moment today, an epiphany, an ah-hah...whatever you want to call it. One of those moments that you usually don't pay much attention to but every once in awhile you stop and notice it. It grasps a hold of you and you carry it with you for the rest of the day. Hopefully for the rest of the week, hopefully it etches its way into your heart and you can learn a little something from it.

It all started with a simple gesture....a little hand in mine.



It had been one of "those mornings", you know the ones. The ones where nothing is going right and everything is going wrong. It was hectic, and scattered, and loud and left me wondering if I was really capable of keeping things together the way a mom is supposed to.

I had been up since 6:00, although honestly I don't think I got much sleep the night before. Stayed up to late doing this and that and my littlest love isn't that great of a sleeper. I was already dragging the minute I pulled myself out of bed. Carson had school at 9:00, Drake had a doctor appointment at 9:30, my sister was watching Lincoln for me, however I had scheduled him a picture appointment for 12:20 (yeah, his 2 year old pictures, I am a little behind). I was trying to get all of us ready, my house picked up, a load of laundry started, breakfast for the big boys and nursing the baby, Lincoln's outfit for his pictures put together, a diaper bag packed and the list goes on and on. My kids were doing everything they could to drive me crazy. Carson didn't want to wake up and spent the whole morning whining that he couldn't stay home and watch "Jake and the Neverland Pirates, Lincoln was raiding my pantry even though we had breakfast literally 20 minutes earlier, Drake peed all over me, not once but twice. Seriously, twice in a row.....who does that.

So yeah, when I finally got us and all of our crap piled in the car (including Carson's show and tell, that he forgot about until after we had pulled away from our house) I was pretty dang ornery. I dropped Lincoln off at my sisters and headed to Carson's school.

By this point the baby was sleeping peacefully in his carseat and Carson had settled down from his early morning tantrums. I was trying to usher him out of the car considering we were late...as always. He was rambling on about who had treats that day and the fact that they were learning about Dr. Seus's "Green eggs and ham". I was halfway listening, muttering responses every now and then, yet my mind was on other things. I was thinking about the baby blessing on Sunday, had I called everyone, have I got enough food coming...I was thinking about Lincoln and hoping he behaved himself for his pictures today.

We were halfway across the driveway, when Carson reached for my hand. The same way he always does. Another mom pulled up and 2 little preschoolers jumped out of her minivan, they ran ahead of us laughing and scattering towards the door. They left the mom standing their at her car, yelling to them to have a good time. I started thinking about Carson. Not only does he make me walk him in everyday, but he holds my hand the entire way. Once we arrive at the door, he turns and smiles, tells me he loves me, hugs my leg, and in he goes. All of this is done right smack in front of his little classmates.

My mind fast forwarded 12 years down the road. My boys are teenagers now. Not only can I not hold their hand, walk them to their class and tell them I love them, but heck they won't even let me drive them to school. Right now, my oldest is 5 years old, almost 6. He still thinks his dad is a superhero, its okay to go hug your mom when you scratch your knee, his biggest worry in life is whether or not he got to go play outside that day. He isn't embarrassed by me, in fact he kinda likes me. He hops in the car after school, smiling and telling me all about his day. He enjoys telling me every little detail. Who sat next to who, and which letters and numbers they practiced that day.

How quickly these years are flying by, in the blink of an eye my little boys aren't going to be so little anymore. Their will be no fingerprints covering my coffee table, no dirty diapers sitting outside my door, goldfish will no longer be a staple in my pantry, no little voices calling me "mama". And oh how the thought of that brings tears to my eyes.


These little faces will be all grown before I know it. I will no longer be the mother of a 5, 2 and 2 month old. I will know what it is like to sleep through the night again, I might regain control of my television, I might have more than 30 minutes a day to shower and get ready, my walls won't be dinged, my couch pillows smashed, my laundry hamper overflowing. However, I know a huge part of my heart will feel empty and a little sad.

So today, when Carson asked me for a game of Memory, I was only to happy to oblige.

I didn't roll my eyes, when my sleepy little Lincoln wouldn't let go of his deathgrip on my leg and begged me to "hold you momma, hold you".

I took an extra 5 minutes to watch the flutter of my baby's eyelashes after nursing him, and to feel the rise and fall of his chest with every little breath he took.

Cause like I said in the blink of an eye, these moments will be gone. They will only be a memory, a small glimpse of my past.

As we walked the rest of the way into preschool, I gave that little hand in mine a tight squeeze. I bent down in front of him and hugged him tight, right there in front of his friends. His eyes sparkled as they met mine, and he said in a proud, un-hesitant voice "I love you mama".

"Oh baby, I love you too...I love you too".

Yeah, all that on a Wednesday, from the simple gesture of a hand in mine.